#I know I’m three days late
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Happy Christmas, Harry
A small, pristinely wrapped present resides in the trembling hands of Regulus Black. Though the gift was sure to be torn to shreds in just a few minutes, Regulus can't help but fiddle over the package, his nimble fingers smoothing over the edges repeatedly as if the motion could somehow make the wrapping appear even more perfect.
The faint click of a lock startles Regulus out of his thoughts, his attention now focused on the colorful Christmas wreath hanging on the door in front of him. A few quick clicks later, and the wreath is replaced by a giddy James Potter, leaning against the doorframe and beaming at Regulus like a child at Honeydukes.
“You came.” James giggles before pulling Regulus into a slow kiss. Regulus sighs into the familiarity, but as much as Regulus would love to remain on the doorstep the rest of the night, kissing James’ lips until they froze, he knew James was buzzing with energy for something else entirely.
With some unknown found strength, Regulus pulls away from James, one hand cradling his cheek and the other gripping onto the small present like a lifeline. James’ eyes trail down to the box and he smiles instantly. “For him?”
Regulus nods, his gaze flickering to the house. James nods to the door and raises an eyebrow, a silent question of ready to go in?
No. Regulus was not ready to go in.
He nods regardless.
James pushes the door open with a slight creak, stepping aside to allow Regulus to enter first. Tentatively, Regulus steps through the doorway, and is immediately flooded by a surging wave of warmth. He allows it to seep into his bones and wind its way through his veins, praying to some deity that it makes him appear kinder than he looks.
James closes the door behind them and presses a hand on the small of Regulus’ back, a calming gesture that reassures Regulus was free to move as he pleases.
He curses himself for appearing so obviously timid. This was not the first time Regulus had visited James’ home, in fact, he was over quite frequently. He had absolutely nothing to be afraid of. It was only James.
Well, only James and-
“Hello?”
The first thing Regulus notices about Harry Potter was how much he resembles his father. An untamable mess of hair, circular glasses that are slipping off his nose, and wide doe-like eyes that yearn for knowledge.
Young Harry stands near the kitchen, a half eaten gingerbread man poorly hidden behind his back, and frosting smeared along his cheek. He was a tiny little thing, James mentioned Harry was almost three years old, and yet Regulus could already sense his inclination for mischief.
Merlin, help him.
“Hi.” Regulus greets weakly, waving softly towards the boy.
Clearly curious about Regulus, Harry pads his way to the entrance of the house, his eyes squinting as he takes in Regulus’ figure.
“Who are you?” Harry asks bluntly, skeptical about Regulus’ presence and making it obviously so. Regulus breathes out a laugh.
“Harry!” James playfully scolds as he reaches down to pluck Harry from the ground and into his arms. “This is Regulus, remember? The very lovely man I’ve told you all about.”
Harry’s face twists in confusion, before brightening up with the ding of a memory coming to light. “Oh! Regoolus!”
“That’s right! Re-goo-lus.” James repeats, glancing at Regulus with a twinkle of amusement in his eyes and a contagious smile growing on his face.
Regulus feels his lips tug upward. “It’s very nice to meet you, Harry.” Harry flashes him a toothy grin, leaning his head against his father’s shoulder. Harry’s eyes dart curiously to the gift in his hands, and Regulus does his best to conceal the tremor in them, knowing there is no use in delaying the inevitable.
Feeling nausea crawl its way into his throat, Regulus lifts his hand slowly and presents Harry with the present. “This is for you.”
Harry’s eyes widen with childlike wonder and joy and the sight itself tugs at the core of Regulus’ chest. Harry looks up to James for approval, who nods encouragingly at his son. He takes the gift softly. “Thank you!” Harry grins, before trying to squirm out of James’ arms.
“Hold on, hold on.” James laughs, setting Harry safely on the ground. As soon as his fuzzy socks reach the floor, Harry is off, scurrying towards the living room.
Regulus is left frozen in place, utterly terrified and unsure of what to do next, looking to James desperately for help. James’ smile softens, as he reaches over and cups Regulus’ cheek, leaning in to press a firm kiss on his forehead. Regulus selfishly allows his eyes to flutter shut at the touch. “Hey.” James pulls back, cradling Regulus’ head with both hands. “You’re doing great.” He affirms.
James presses a short kiss to Regulus’ lips, places Regulus’ hand into his own, and gently pulls them both towards the living room.
Harry is seated in the center of a burgundy carpet, the largeness of it emphasizing the smallness of his body. The present lays unopened in front of him, and judging by his wiggling toes and tapping fingers, Harry is beyond eager to open it.
James falls back onto the sofa and drags down Regulus with him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders as he pulls him close to his side. Regulus is suddenly hyper aware of their position, not wanting Harry to be distraught or confused in any way at their intimacy. But Harry seems to have other priorities at the moment, his eyes never tearing away from the present in his lap.
“Can I please open it now?” Harry begs, eyes still glued to the box. “Pretty please?”
James sighs dramatically, biting back a smile. “Well, since Regulus was the one who gave it to you, I’d say it’s up to him to decide whether or not you can open it.” James turns to Regulus, resting his cheek on the couch. “What do you say, Re-goo-lus?”
Regulus playfully rolls his eyes, but unlike James, he’s unable to hide the smile growing on his face. He looks at Harry, who’s staring back at him with puppy dog eyes. “Go ahead, Harry.”
Harry squeaks in delight, tearing away the wrapping paper with such joy that Regulus can’t find it within himself to be upset in the slightest. Once the wrapping paper is gone, and a small wooden box is all that remains, Harry wastes no time as he removes the lid and reveals its contents.
A small golden snitch lies at the bottom, remaining dormant for all of two seconds before slowly flapping its wings and hovering in front of Harry.
“Snitch!” Harry gasps, his eyes blown wide open as his jaw drops in awe. The next thing Regulus knows, Harry is screeching with joy, clapping his small hands together as he hops in circles around the floating snitch.
“A snitch?” Regulus tears his eyes away from Harry to James, who’s beaming with practically the same amount of excitement as Harry. “You didn’t.” James gapes, watching as the golden snitch slowly flies in circles around the room, little Harry scrambling to catch it.
Regulus laughs, bashfully hiding his smile behind the sleeve of his sweater. “I did.”
James grins devilishly as he pulls Regulus closer by the neckline of his sweater, kissing him hungrily as if buying a present for his son was the most attractive thing James has ever seen.
A piercing shriek breaks the two apart, both Regulus and James springing up in their seats to locate Harry, though it takes less than a second to do so. The boy is only a few feet away, jumping with unabashed glee on the adjacent couch. “I got it!” Harry squeals, bouncing on the cushion. “I got the snitch!”
Sure enough, in the pudgy fingers of little Harry Potter, is the golden snitch Regulus had gifted him.
“Atta boy, Harry!” James cheers, reaching out to scoop Harry into his arms. He curls Harry to his chest, presses a sloppy kiss to his cheek, and sits down beside Regulus once again. “I think,” James turns Harry around in his lap, “that you’re going to be a fine seeker, Haz.”
“Fine?” Regulus chuckles. “Don’t be modest, James. I can already tell he’s going to be amazing.”
“Amazing!” Harry repeats while shimmying off of James’ lap. He settles in between the space between them on the sofa, curling his knees to his chest and leaning against Regulus’ side. “Thank you, Regoolus!”
Regulus takes a shaky breath, trying desperately to blink the sudden income of burning tears out of his eyes. He looks over at James, whose face is full of nothing but adoration and pride, though Regulus can see tears threatening to spill down his cheeks as well.
Regulus wipes his eyes quickly, trying to be discreet, and turns to give his full attention back to Harry. Regulus finds the boy already looking up at him with kind eyes, brighter than the star Regulus is named after. They’re an undoubtable shade of green, full of wonder, innocence, and warmth. Just like his father’s.
As he looks at Harry, and as he feels the comforting presence of the man he loves beside him, in a house warm enough to melt even the coldest of souls, Regulus wonders how on earth he got so lucky.
Regulus runs a hand through Harry’s fluffy hair and smiles.
“Happy Christmas, Harry.”
#jegulus#jegulus dads#regulus black#james potter#marauders#starchaser#harry potter#james x regulus#cute#Christmas#yuh#I know I’m three days late#but idc#this is really long
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Has this been done before?
#i’m also asexual#so#ya know#there’s that#my period was like three days late and I was freaking out#and then i just stopped#and asked myself#why the fuck are you freaking out#period memes#period stuff#period problems#period jokes#periods suck#periods#period#period mention#period ment tw#period posting#period tw#period things#period talk#late period#has anyone done this already?#i don’t really care#this came to me while I was trying to fall asleep#apparently all my subconscious can think of as i’m falling asleep is tumblr
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I’m feeling quite sad about how much the active bts fandom on tumblr has shrunk and/ or how selective the community has become regarding content interaction. I’ve heard people pointing out a clique-building here lately, and while I’m well aware of closer mutual circles existing – and I can only speak on behalf of my friend group here – these pretty much develop naturally when there’s just no one else who reacts, reblogs from and talks to you anymore except for these handful of people. I don’t like that some people perceive these “cliques” as “exclusive”, for example to content creators only. that’s bullshit; it’s certainly not great to have only other cc’s support your work because they personally know how much time and effort it takes. also, knowing how lovely most of these people are, you’d get immediately followed back and showered with love too as soon as you’d even show a speckle of kindness on a regular basis, regardless of whether you make gifs yourself or not. ccs dedicating sets to each other isn’t a sign of exclusivity, but rather us holding onto and appreciating people who still give us at least some motivation to create and post in the first place anymore, because there’s quite literally no one else left by now.
#this is rather general so I’m putting more personal thoughts in the tags here#I really don’t feel like creating anymore :(#like I genuinely only post for birthdays or gifts cause I see no point in anything else anymore#at least that one person will care you know#I don’t post that much anymore but when I do I put so much love and effort into it#and it never feels good to click that post button anymore#also.#man it fucking stings to realise that people who follow you definitely scrolled past your own post#cause they reblogged sth from you that you posted before your self reblog#it makes me so so anxious and insecure#I’ve been pressuring myself to post so much only to be met with dismissiveness when I do#that doesn’t feel great in the slightest#I said a while ago that I don’t want to take a break and that I want to keep creating#but the disappointment lately was pretty drastic#I’ve been at this point several times before so it’ll probably pass again#but it’ll never not suck to see your days of work and creativity be ignored#it feels once again pointless to try to make original things#should just stick to 10 gifs of the same clip#or shirtless tannie gifs#it’ll get me the exact same recognition if not three to five times more#and takes so much less time
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You know I had to do my own rendition of this eventually. It’s just too good to pass up :))
Attached is just the still image version (not gif) and then some behind-the-scenes initial sketch without puzzle pattern. Also the car had a nose for some reason…glad that I went back to the actual reference material to change it because the Puzzlemobile ain’t got one <<
#I’ve stayed up….way too late…drawing this stupid thing#(current time is past 12am)#this guyyyyy is ridiculous. a clown. a looser even. Would marry#THATS A JOKE I’M JOKING OF COURSE WH—it’s not my word against myself your just reading in between the lines too much#he’s got great taste in cars tho. pull up with em hot wheels on the road. who needs stoplights when you’re the cause for the slow traffic#rule the streets absolute king truly an inconvenience on everyone’s lives#gangster moment pulling up ready to pick up the boys in this slick ride#crime boss real#(sorry these are unintelligible thoughts I wrote down as Procreate titles when working on this)#(I’m just typing them out again here because why not lol)#why is he actally man spreading do you think his legs hurt from keeping them elevated off the road?#or maybe they’re just weightless#the dogs are out /j#eh I’d let him pick me up (THIS IS A JOKE A HONKING JOKE I SWEAR) /j#see the actual comedy is in the frantic deniability of the statement#and for some reason I thought it would be funny to do that same joke twice over….don’t know why probably lack of sleep taking now🧍#anyways this is the most productive I’ve been at making art wow huh. Puzzle fixation coming in clutch right now three arts in one day#achievement unlocked ✨#hplonesome art#mr. puzzles smg4#smg4 mr puzzles#puzzlemobile#smg4 Puzzlemobile#mr. puzzles in the Puzzlemobile#it’s crucial to include puzzlemobile in tags at any given opportunity because it’s just that iconic
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my councilor fr out here asking what i wanna major in bitch i’m tying not to have a major mental breakdown give me a minute
#i know i have to start prepping for this stuff but GOSH#school starts a week from today#ik im going back late but my last day of school is june 28th#i don’t wanna go back i’m SO not ready#im taking like three college classes as a junior and i’m one of the only juniors in said classes#hop in boys my gpa is gonna tank#ughhhhhhhhhh#anyway!
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Underneath the Western Sky
3. Break Away from the Herd
“Pasha!”
Jaylah ran around the corner of the barn where Chekov was sitting with Sulu.
“There you are!”
“What is it Jaylah?” Chekov asked, beginning to stand.
“There is another race! In town this weekend!”
“Oh no,” Chekov muttered to himself.
“I want to enter again,” Jaylah said, sitting herself down across from Chekov. “As myself.”
“I don’t think they will let you,” Chekov said, frowning.
“Spock needed my help with- uh- something,” Sulu said and hurried away.
Chekov looked after him.
“I am going to enter,” Jaylah said with determination.
Chekov sighed. “What if they say no?”
“I will race,” she said firmly.
The weekend came and to Chekov’s surprise, everyone decided to go to town to watch. The house was shut up for the day, the chores were done early and Sulu pulled the wagon into the yard after breakfast.
Of course there was more going on besides just the horse race, but Chekov knew everyone wanted to see Jaylah race after she had won last time. It had been a surprise when they came in for dinner and announced she had won.
Jaylah rode next to the wagon on Trébol. Last time she had tucked her hair up under her hat and surprisingly no one had been the wiser. Now her hair, so blonde it was nearly white, hung down her back. She had been smiling all morning and now it was a positive grin.
In town, Sulu drove the wagon towards the yard at the train station, but Chekov jumped out to follow Jaylah. She had hopped off her horse and was leading it over to tie up.
A few people looked her over as she walked by in her pants and work shirt. Her wide brimmed hat was tipped up on her forehead.
“Over there,” she said to Chekov pointing to where the table to register for the race was.
Chekov nodded, but his stomach twisted, worrying if she would be allowed to race.
“Hello,” Jaylah greeted the men at the table.
“Howdy miss,” one of them greeted her back. The other man lifted an eyebrow at Jaylah’s outfit.
“I want to sign up,” she said, and placed some coins on the table.
“Well, see—” the first man began.
“Women don’t ride in the races,” the second man blurted out.
Chekov’s face heated.
“I want to ride,” Jaylah said.
“We can’t let a pretty thing like you do something like that,” the first man tried to soothe.
Chekov saw Jaylah’s eyes widen and knew her anger was rising. So was his own.
“She won the last race and you didn’t even know!” he exclaimed.
“What?” both men said together.
“Piotr Chekov. That’s who won last time,” Chekov said. “I told you he was my brother. I don’t have a brother! It was Jaylah and she won!” He stared hard at the two men and from the corner of his eye, he saw Jaylah smile at him.
“Now wait a minute!” said the second man.
But the first man was looking at Jaylah in interest.
“Now wait Tom,” he began. “We might draw more people if we let this gal in.”
Tom looked hard at Jaylah before turning to the first man.
“Or we might become a laughing stock.”
“I’ll take that chance,” said the first man. He looked back at Jaylah. “Alright, you’re in.” He stretched his hand over and took her coins. “I suppose you already know where the starting line is.”
“Thank you! I do!” Jaylah smiled brightly and Chekov let out a small sigh of relief.
“Race starts in fifteen minutes,” Tom called behind them.
Chekov found everyone else sitting near the top of the stand that had been set up again. He’d left Jaylah with Trébol to get ready.
“Is she in?” Mr. Scott asked as Chekov sat down next to him.
“Yes.”
The racers lined up at the start. A murmur went through the crowd in the stands.
“Is that a woman?” Chekov heard someone ask.
“Look! She’s listed as Miss Jaylah on the board!” said another, pointing out the sign with the riders names.
A pistol shot and the horses flew down the track. Around Chekov his friends began to cheer for Jaylah. He began to smile.
As the riders rounded the post and began to come back, the crowd got louder, trying to see who was in front.
“It’s Jaylah!” Jim yelled.
To Chekov’s surprise, and delight, the whole crowd began to cheer for her. The pounding of hooves grew louder and moments later Jaylah won the race. Around him the cheering grew louder, but Chekov cheered loudest of all.
#star trek#pavel chekov#jaylah#Underneath the Western Sky#part three of The Enterprise Ranch#yeehawgust 2024#break away from the herd#I know I’m late#we’re on a vacation out of town#but I’m going to do my damndest to try to get these written each day
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i just realized it’s been a year that my right knee hasn’t been okay…
last november i got booked a week from hell in terms of abusing my body- i was walking 15-20km a day for five days straight.
let me tell you- while i am used to 30-50km weeks, that week nearly did me in. by the wednesday, i was unable to walk without feeling like my right knee was going to explode. that is not hyperbole- i was convinced a tendon was going to rupture i was limping those 18kms but i persevered
ended up getting kinetic tape to try to help. it holds things together, i should use it more, but my knee is completely bitched now. cannot keep it bent for any length of time anymore, and if i do there’s this horrible pressure in the tendons up the back, a deep, pinching ache
now any day that i walk 10+km that knee is so tired and inflamed. it hurts so badly and yet i cannot stop
can’t afford to leave work to seek medical care for it, let alone the potential recovery. i will simply continue my regimen of heat, ibuprofen, and tape and hope for the best
#exie vents#<- kinda. i’m not overly upset- i’m the one to blame for not taking care of it#turns out when you have a physically demanding job your body experiences wear and tear!#especially when you’re pushing yourself past your limits consistently#i’ve always been a walker. used to go every single day back home and walk the local trail#but it was never more than 5km a day#to move to three to four times that amount was… a lot#but again- i know there’s a lot i should’ve been doing to take care of my body and i didn’t do any of it#at least not until it was too late#but oh well. i can try to preserve what i have left#i think the worst part of it all is that i’ll never dance like i used to again
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Some au antag doodles
#keese draws#eternal gales#decided to finally try my hand at drawing au fydd#and decided to also draw the two I’ve already designed#I kinda chickened out hard with this au fydd design but that’s mostly because I don’t know how I’d go about implementing the big thing I cut#I wanted to include a nod at my old tazian (the species I recycled for fydd) worldbuilding by giving him some rainbow ‘hair’#but I definitely am not capable of drawing my vision well enough for my standards rn so maybe one day I’ll go for it but not rn#but long story short in the original version of the species those who were more middling height would have strands of or even entirely#rainbow hair which was like 90% me bullshitting but I have thought of a retroactive excuse#long story short most tazians would either be super tiny or like stupid tall and more middling height ones were rare#but one thing I realized lately is that all my tall ones had white hair and all my short ones had black hair#so the retroactive excuse is that the rainbow is a transitional period that usually indicates young age but can sometimes be permanent if#they don’t end up becoming properly tall#and I wanted to nod at that concept with au fydd since he’s 15 and is what would be considered pretty middling height#but that would mean figuring out how I’d wanna go about coloring that and that would make me lose it#for context fydd’s hair is supposed to be a smidge feathery#and also I like to keep my characters having somewhat manageable color pallets#not that I’m particularly good at that but I try#oh also second biggest failure of this drawing I made it so I couldn’t draw his other eye rip#he’s missing his other eye due to basically completely destroying it in the process of blowing up his original universe#the other two aren’t missing any major design elements that I can think fo fortunately#these three are all favorites of mine amongst the au antags they’re so silly#and by that I mean one of them is a grown ass adult torturing teenagers and the other two are heavily traumatized teenagers that are#helping said grown ass adult torture teenagers#well only one of them is properly helping owl is just here to meet her crush#she genuinely did not think the others would get as far and go as hard as they did#au fydd was the first member of the squad au bloom recruited and he is easily the most loyal to her#he’s also the only one au bloom even mildly gives an actual shit abt#au fydd went through a Lot in his original universe and is very ‘let’s burn it all down’ with his approach to helping#owl also went through a lot but she came out the other end just desperately wanting to stop fighting
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got some new books at the library today 😈 hehehe
#I got mary Oliver essays#a John Keats poetry book love him!!#a book of Kurt Vonnegut speeches/essays#a journal/essay thing by an author I don’t know#eligible by Curtis sittenfield because I love Jane Austen and I needed a fun fiction read#and a collection of stories and essays by Raymond carver#oh and south and west by Joan didion#I’m very much in an essays/diaries/meditations on writing and reading type of mood lately#I still need to finish the three library books I got first though#I’m reading mystery and manners by Flannery O’Connor currently and then I need to read a novel by her#and her other collection of short stories i haven’t read yet#plus maybe I think there’s some of her letters in the anthology I got#and I also have a short book of Rilke that I need to get to#but I’m pretty sure these will all renew without an issue cuz I think I cant renew three times#anyway I’m ranting I just love the library#they have a perpetual book sale going on and I found a romance book by an author I’ve read before#and a local book about moon phases and regional lore I think? it looks cool#and christian got a book#I’m gonna try to read at least 50 pages a day at minimum#I’m on track to finish 6 books in July! my second most accomplished month this year#I can’t believe I read 12 books in january what was I on#tbf some of those were graphic novels and middle grade lit though#but still
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worst intro so far question mark
#dndads#worst intro AND worst freddie fact#i know i’m late i haven’t known what day it was for like three months now
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Two rats having lunch
Two rats having lunch
The vermin
The vermin
Enthusiastically munch!
TWO RATS
ON THE GROUND
EATIN FOOD
GRILLED CHEESE AND
TOMATO SOUP
#i almost want to make a cover b/c two trucks sounds really funky but I physically can’t put my brain through that#I just don’t like sex songs and shit#unrelated sorta but I watched Rocky horror picture show around Halloween and I dissasosiated so much that I barely remember what happened#the rest of the night#the whole of that day sucked too because that was when I was left outside for three hours at a dance that I only went too because my mom#wasn’t home so she couldn’t drop me off for the sleepover after and I thought it would be fun to show up as a surprise because I didn’t#think I’d be able to before!#but they forgot about me and I was crying outside in late October and everyone forgot abt me#even the teacher that came over to check on me. she said that she’d come back in a few mins and I said that was ok but she didn’t#I never blasted Spirit Phone into my ears as loud as I did that day#anyways that should’ve been another post in of itself sorry lmao#still mad about it even though I know it’s my fault I’m upset and they weren’t really at fault#I kinda fucked the friendship because I was very emotional and I haven’t had friends in YEARS so I didn’t know how arguments work?#and the only time I had real arguments was with my dad and that usually felt like a ‘you have to survive this make yourself right so he’ll#leave’ kinda thing#yay love trauma dumping good night guys
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Wish me luck lads, we’re entering crunch mode
#do you ever think hey this deadline was mid/late Feb last year SURELY it’ll be the same this year#and then you check and it’s in three days#anyway I will probably not sleep in the next 48 hours we are SPEED RUNNING this#‘but [name redacted] why don’t you just wait and submit next year to not crunch?’ no questions moving on#tbh I know that’s the better choice but I always planned for this to be done soon I don’t want to keep noodling on it for a whole nother yea#year#I’m rambling anyway send good vibes o7
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Made a terrible decision y’all… 😔
I’m finally starting One Piece
#relatable#lol#a day in star’s wacky life#one piece#you heard it here folks#I’ve never seen One Piece before and I’m on the fourth episode:)#I know what happens because I know a lot of people who watch it but I didn’t want to because I didn’t like the style#but then I watched the first episode and thought it wasn’t bad animated so I’ll watch it#so good luck to me because I’m about to start it from the beginning 😔#it’s gonna take me months to catch up#I knew someone though who watched it all (except the movies) in three weeks#she told me she only watched the show and nothing else plus stayed up late watching it
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i might lurk more than anything tonight — we’ll see! work and a lack of sleep just has me very tired uvu
#i think… i gotta stop drinking so much coffee#this is the second time that i’ve had trouble going to sleep after having it three times in a day and that doesn’t seem like a lot?#but maybe it is for me#and i cannot productively function on 5 hours of sleep#plus i know i must be dehydrated as heck bc i’m barely drinking water lately#i need to get it together especially when i’m telling y’all to drink your fluids 😔#get ready to ramble | ooc
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I don’t think any of my friends would even notice if I just isolated myself lmao
#so I’m gonna do it!!!!#I don’t feel like any of them care anyway#I only have three friends btw no surprise there#honestly it’s a miracle I have any but yknow#it doesn’t matter all but one just continually forget about me even on days they Know are hard for me#and I’m not exaggerating because one sorta checked on me and then I was semi comforting him instead and the other tweeted about hoping I’m#okay but did nothing to actually check on me or anything I’m just a passing thought its like I’m not even there#like a tweet on your priv about me is nothing compared to actually messaging me and checking on me#whatever I’m just a dead flower anyway since I never text first and then I see things where they complain about people that don’t text first#and I get even more self conscious and upset at myself but I can’t do anything about it because when I try lately things go wrong so why try#stop watering a dead plant they say lmao#not like I have trauma that stops me or anything#not like when I had decided I needed help or just someone to talk to it took me hours to finally text#not like I texted first to try and resolve an argument twice lately and you were just even more angry#idk what you want me to do#I just know what I can and can’t do#I haven’t been enough for you this whole year and I know if you leave that he’ll leave too that’s how y’all work#I honestly wanna deactivate my twt but that’ll just piss him off#I just need to live silently until I get the tax money#oh lol just remembered one time when I texted first to try and fix things he tweeted about how he wished he had just killed himself the#night before so he wouldn’t have to have that conversation just then!!!!!!#but no I’m just an awful person because I don’t text first
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i’ve been sick at home all week, feeling guilty for calling out of work, but literally unable to get out of bed all week, and here i am, 11:30pm friday night and suddenly i’ve got all the energy in the world. i’m relieved i’m feeling better but god damn it, where was this energy a couple days ago?
#and i know the answer#the answer is both my job and i were pushing myself too hard#work has been so fucking much lately#and i was trying so hard to still go and do things on my weekend#my body just gave in on me#so shocker three days rest and now i’m feeling myself again#i don’t think im upset i didn’t have this energy a few days ago#i think im relieved it’s back#im relieved it didn’t last longer#im relieved it was physical and not mental#i mean i wish i could just keep going i wish i had unending energy#i wish i even had the same energy i had five years ago or three years ago#but i don’t and that’s not my fault#work the last two weeks has been so goddamn hard#i’ve never been so exhausted at the end of the last week#im so glad im so eager to go back now#im glad im ready to go back and work hard but also fight for us too#im ready to go back and do everything i can for my coworkers#this week’s been a fucking doozy but im finally fired up and energized and everything#im finally ready to push back and not just stay in bed#and im ready because i stayed in bed#somehow that’s still hard for me to swallow#but i know i was useless all week and i know im ready now#sorry for the random ramblings#i wanted to vent this somewhere#madeleine parle
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